Post by bazal on Mar 13, 2018 9:33:32 GMT
Are you serious? They can't do that, can they? Wasn't he in jail? Ah shit, my voice to text thing is on, hang on.
You guys aren't going to believe this. The North QLD Dolphins have today announced their new coach, and it's the old one again. Fresh from his release from a Cambodian prison, where he had been serving ten years for drunkenly challenging the king to fisticuffs at the business end of a seven day bender, Nick Bailey has once again been appointed head coach of the North QLD side.
A former ASRL golden boy, Bailey's fall from grace has been well documented north of the Tweed, after repeated attempts to rebuild the club following an unsuccessful grand final appearance sent him spiralling into alcoholism, depression, and eventually the drunken manic rage which lead to his incarceration. Despite all of this, North QLD have welcomed back the man once described by South African Francois Steyn as a "dangerously unstable dictator hell bent on improving the side no matter how many he kills."
"In fairness," says Bailey when confronted with this claim, "Steyn is a Jaapie and therefore nothing he says can be trusted. Did you see what that Faf du Plessis did with the cricket ball and the lolly? Steyn invented that, probably. Anyway rugby players are all fat and soft."
New Dolphins chairman Bob Katter was enthusiastic about the re-re-resigning when it was announced at the now dilapidated club headquarters in Townsville.
"It's about time this bloody club had some real leadership! This is a coach who isn't afraid to crack a few heads in the pursuit of glory...in fact I believe the Dolphins still hold the record for most skulls cracked in a pre-season at seventeen. Did you blokes know that a man is savagely torn apart by a crocodile in North Queensland EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES!?"
As the press gallery exchanged looks of moderate confusion, one brave journalist managed to ask Mr Katter whether the notoriously abrasive and outspoken Bailey would be asked to tone it down a little in the interests of the struggling clubs image. Katter laughed in slightly disturbing fashion, the laughter of a man dangerously close to the edge of madness.
"Get stuffed mate! He's been given a licence to kill, if you know what I mean? It's open season! He's gonna sledge blokes who aren't even in the damned ASRL."
As Katter was lead from the stage by his carers, the newly re-appointed coach read from a pre-prepared statement.
"Firstly, I would like to address the rumours that I walked out on the club in...ah, what year was that? Whatever. These rumours are baseless. The truth is, being in charge of the absolute gherkins I had at the club at the time lead me to something of a psychotic break. This, in turn, through a series of events that would be comical if they were the core thematic elements of a movie starring Bradley Cooper and that Asian guy from Community, lead to my incarceration in the second most godawful cesspit I have ever had the displeasure of being imprisoned within (the worst, of course, being the entire suburb of Macarthur). Throughout my imprisonment, I dreamed of the ASRL. Sometimes about coaching, but mostly about all the tirades I would unleash upon the game that had forgotten me. I invented so many insults, you have no idea."
"Um, I think at this point of the statement Bob Katter took over. I can't read any of this...There will be no questions."
More on this bizarre saga as it comes to light, I guess?
You guys aren't going to believe this. The North QLD Dolphins have today announced their new coach, and it's the old one again. Fresh from his release from a Cambodian prison, where he had been serving ten years for drunkenly challenging the king to fisticuffs at the business end of a seven day bender, Nick Bailey has once again been appointed head coach of the North QLD side.
A former ASRL golden boy, Bailey's fall from grace has been well documented north of the Tweed, after repeated attempts to rebuild the club following an unsuccessful grand final appearance sent him spiralling into alcoholism, depression, and eventually the drunken manic rage which lead to his incarceration. Despite all of this, North QLD have welcomed back the man once described by South African Francois Steyn as a "dangerously unstable dictator hell bent on improving the side no matter how many he kills."
"In fairness," says Bailey when confronted with this claim, "Steyn is a Jaapie and therefore nothing he says can be trusted. Did you see what that Faf du Plessis did with the cricket ball and the lolly? Steyn invented that, probably. Anyway rugby players are all fat and soft."
New Dolphins chairman Bob Katter was enthusiastic about the re-re-resigning when it was announced at the now dilapidated club headquarters in Townsville.
"It's about time this bloody club had some real leadership! This is a coach who isn't afraid to crack a few heads in the pursuit of glory...in fact I believe the Dolphins still hold the record for most skulls cracked in a pre-season at seventeen. Did you blokes know that a man is savagely torn apart by a crocodile in North Queensland EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES!?"
As the press gallery exchanged looks of moderate confusion, one brave journalist managed to ask Mr Katter whether the notoriously abrasive and outspoken Bailey would be asked to tone it down a little in the interests of the struggling clubs image. Katter laughed in slightly disturbing fashion, the laughter of a man dangerously close to the edge of madness.
"Get stuffed mate! He's been given a licence to kill, if you know what I mean? It's open season! He's gonna sledge blokes who aren't even in the damned ASRL."
As Katter was lead from the stage by his carers, the newly re-appointed coach read from a pre-prepared statement.
"Firstly, I would like to address the rumours that I walked out on the club in...ah, what year was that? Whatever. These rumours are baseless. The truth is, being in charge of the absolute gherkins I had at the club at the time lead me to something of a psychotic break. This, in turn, through a series of events that would be comical if they were the core thematic elements of a movie starring Bradley Cooper and that Asian guy from Community, lead to my incarceration in the second most godawful cesspit I have ever had the displeasure of being imprisoned within (the worst, of course, being the entire suburb of Macarthur). Throughout my imprisonment, I dreamed of the ASRL. Sometimes about coaching, but mostly about all the tirades I would unleash upon the game that had forgotten me. I invented so many insults, you have no idea."
"Um, I think at this point of the statement Bob Katter took over. I can't read any of this...There will be no questions."
More on this bizarre saga as it comes to light, I guess?
